I graduated from Virginia Tech with my BSc in Animal and Poultry Sciences. They gave me this neat little (ok, it's pretty large) piece of paper with fancy letters and a bunch of unnecessary words. I guess I'm pretty excited about that. I should scan it and put a copy online or something, but I don't have a scanner that large handy.

What with being graduated, I couldn't keep working at the college. My job was funded by federal work study money, and they don't give that to graduates. I am currently in the employ of a major retail chain (no, I won't tell you which one) until I can find something that is at least remotely related to my training. Ideally I'd get a vet tech job and they would help me get more training or maybe get into vet school. For now I'm just worried about paying bills.

There is someone new in my life. I'm not going to say much about that right now. We'll see where things go before I say too much more. Yes, he's cute (or at least I think so). No, I'm not going to answer any other questions right now. Perhaps I'll take the example of a fellow blogger (Hi Scott!) and refer to him here by a nickname.

My cancer is still in remission. There's not much to say there, I guess. No news is good news. I'll see my oncologist again in January, unless something else comes up before then.

I've moved into my new apartment, where I'll be living for the next year at least. I've moved in with friends of mine, a couple, one of whom cooks and insists that I at least provide notice if I will not be home for dinner. This situation is quite acceptable to me, as it results in my diet being much healthier and less expensive than it might otherwise be.

For now, life is smooth sailing. One day I'll want more than this, but for now I am content.

Not all of the songs with memories are that precise, and not all of them correspond exactly with the time that I was listening to them. Kiss from a Rose reminds me of watching Interview with a Vampire and several episodes of Angelic Layer with Jeff on his laptop in a tent at Tracy's house. If You Could Only See reminds me of a very close friend I had, the first girl I kissed, and the extreme confusion I experienced regarding how I felt about her, how she might have felt about me, and all these sort of awkward teenager things. It's more than a recollection though. I actually feel that way. For this reason, I don't listen to that song very often.

The point of relating this experience is to ask a question. Does anyone else experience any of this? For a while I assumed that everyone had it to a greater or lesser degree, but I come to find out that "lesser" is much more common. Do you have any sensory triggers that automatically remind you of certain situations?

I have three exams this week, in horse production, beef production, and microbiology. I don't feel like I've learned anything yet! Don't they know I'm a senior? I'm old! These things take time to sink in.

I was laid-up for most of last week with what the health center doctor assured me was "not the flu." I don't care what it wasn't, it was a solid week of fever above 100°F. It was probably not helped by being out in barns on Monday and Wednesday for labs. The problem with labs is that you can't make them up. Unless you are being physically prevented from getting to the appointed location, you go to lab. So I went to my labs, and my bug raged on.

Aside from the week of illness (the first I've had since being in college) the semester is going well. I can Gram stain with my eyes closed, estimate slaughter cattle weight within 50 lbs (usually), and point out five reasons why a given horse should never ever have babies. Incidentally, the horses don't seem to mind so long as you do it in a low soothing voice and rub their chest.

Ok, well, maybe I have learned something.

I started my second semester at Virginia Tech in January. I was still in awe about finally being at my dream school. I still am. Something about it just feels right. It's like finding where I always wanted to be.

My first challenge of the year came in early April when I broke up with my partner of four and a half years. I put on a happy face about it, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard on me as I'm sure it was hard on him. We're still friends, though we don't see much of each other. We just had dinner at a little Italian place at home last week and caught up. It's still a little strange for me, but I guess things work out in time.

I'm not sure how to start talking about April 16. How do you preface something like that? The first thing I did was call my mother. I was on campus, so my roommate picked me up and we watched events unfold on TV. It's not even real on TV though. You can turn the TV off or go into the next room. In Blacksburg we were inundated with police, media, spiritual and psychological support, just more people than the town was meant to handle. I hunkered down with friends for the week and waited for things to blow over as best I could. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but for at least a day or two after the shootings I wanted to be left alone by all those helpful people. I still get people who ask about it now and then when they find out I was there. I try to dismiss it. I'm not capable of explaining what the experience felt like.

In June I found out that a lingering bump on my elbow was stage 1 lymphoma, of a particularly rare type. I've always taken my health for granted. Luckily my mother, who is a nurse, is a hypochondriac for me. My summer was spent in and out of doctor visits. One surgery and three weeks of daily radiation later, not to mention countless diagnostics, I appear to be good as new. Here's hoping I stay that way.

While I was home over the summer I made a number of close friends. It was good to have someone to hang around with when I was going through all my health issues. It's sad in a way, since I don't get to see them often when I'm away at school. I'll always come back to see them when I'm home.

August marked the beginning of the hardest semester I've ever had, and hopefully the hardest I ever will. My favorite material was in the hardest classes. You'd think that would help, but if it did help I shudder to think what would've happened if I didn't like it.

In the family, one cousin is engaged and another had a baby. My brothers haven't managed to drive my mother crazy yet. The holidays were relatively painless and the food was good. I think as far as families go, I made out pretty good.

I'm looking forward to one more semester at Tech. I'll graduate in May, and then who knows what? I'm thinking West. I'll be applying to some graduate programs in animal science, but my goal is that wherever life takes me, it's toward the setting sun. I've played with the idea of staying in Blacksburg, but I have things to do. I need to see the world. There are too many things I haven't done, and if I sit still now I may never do them. I'm probably late to the game as it is, but I need to do all those things that I will later exaggerate to my nieces and nephews, maybe children? Maybe someday. 2007 was a year of challenges. 2008 is the year of adventures.

I'd be lying if I said that the holidays are my favorite time of year. I don't know when they stopped being, and I'd probably rather not remember right now. Despite that, I can't manage to be bitter about Christmas on Christmas Eve. I guess some part of me is still 8 years old, giddy with anticipation, the dawn pregnant with possibility. Even knowing what my "big gift" is well in advance and most of the rest, I still find myself a bit restless. It's just infectious.

I'm with many people I'd like to see tomorrow, and far, far from others. No matter where you find yourself, talk to the people who are important in your life. Tell someone that they're important to you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, regardless of what you do tomorrow, I hope it makes your life a little bit better than it was yesterday.

I'm not entirely sure what changed. I got busy. I got tired of feeling like nobody cared. I got tired of the people who do.

What's left to say? Be safe. Take care of yourself. If it's important to you, tell a friend. If you don't know about HIV and AIDS, get educated. Or, contact me. I'll gladly tell you what I know, and show you where to learn more.

I can't save the world, but if I help someone and you help someone we can come a little bit closer.

I won't be entering vet school in the fall of 2008. I haven't decided what I will be doing yet. I feel burnt out. I'm not sure what I need to do next, but I know that vet school would be a waste of time and money right now. I feel like a year of doing something different would refresh me, and I could use it to strengthen my application.

I also feel kind of lost and hopeless. How the hell did I end up where I am in life? Why? I remember thinking when I was in high school, "If I can just make it to Virginia Tech, I'll study hard, go to vet school, everything will be awesome." Where the hell did I get that idea? Virginia Tech? Don't get me wrong, it is pretty amazing here, but where did it come from? Why vet school? I could've gone for computer science and had a useful degree in four years. What do you even do with an animal science degree? Plenty of things, I'm sure. I'll be looking for animal lab or management jobs. Maybe I'll do something with breeding. I could get along with a little field experience. Hell, I could just live in Blacksburg for a year or two. Even if my only animal work was volunteer, it doesn't take much to live comfortably in Blacksburg.

My other major plan, if not vet school, was grad school. It's different from what I'm doing, but probably not different enough. For now, I'm preparing for but not anticipating going that route. Time will tell.

Speaking of early in the semester, I'm back at Virginia Tech for what will hopefully be my last year. My schedule looks like hell, but at least I'm done by 5:30. I'll post a copy if I ever get around to making one, or else I won't.

The beginning of the semester is really expensive, and the fall more so than the spring. It makes me sad. I think I'll start working again on Monday. I ♥ my campus job.

The lymph node removed from my left elbow had primary cutaneous anaplastic large cell lymphoma. It is a cancer of lymph cells that exist in the skin, not of the skin cells themselves. It's not the most aggressive of cancers and we did catch it very early, so the prognosis is extremely good. I'll be doing 4 weeks of radiation therapy to be sure that no cancer cells remain in the area of the biopsy. Beyond that, I'll be watching it closely and seeing the oncologist in January for a follow-up.

I also have a related condition called lymphomatoid papulosis. The jury is out as to precisely how it works on a cellular level, but it is similar to lymphoma except that it poses little threat to my health. There are only two problems with it. The first is that it causes small lesions on my arms and legs, each of which has a small chance to metastasize into a malignant lymphoma. The second is that while there are treatments, it's currently incurable. I can only monitor it and take care of any malignancies that develop as a result.

The radiation has been scheduled so that I can go back to school on schedule, though without much time to settle in. My first appointment is this afternoon. Hopefully life can go back to relative normalcy now.

I promised that I'd do an update by today, and seeing as today is drawing to a close, I figured I should do it! The good news is that my bone marrow sample came back negative. That means that the cancer has not spread into the marrow, which would be exceedingly bad. When I think about how bad things could be, I feel afraid. I feel so lucky to be in in the situation I'm in, all things considered.

The oncologist also mentioned a slim outside chance that the lymphoma diagnosis was a false positive. That would be incredibly relieving, but also terribly frustrating. I've lost my whole summer to this. Don't get me wrong, I would rather they tell me that I don't have cancer. I'm also glad that we're going to all the effort of being sure. I just wish the whole thing hadn't happened at all. I guess that kinda goes without saying

I'm pretty bored a lot of times. If you're in the Greater Rochester or Finger Lakes regions of New York (and I guess I could go as far as Syracuse) I'm looking for something to do.

On July 31 I went to my doctor for a routine checkup while I was home for a visit. There was a rash and a lump on my left elbow that had been there for a couple weeks. I wasn't terribly concerned about it, but I figured since I was in that the doctor could have a look at it. Thinking it was probably an infected ingrown hair or something of that sort, he referred me to a surgeon to have it either lanced or biopsied.

Dr. Liang wasn't really sold on the idea of a biopsy. Initially he thought it was more of a case for a dermatologist, but he agreed to biopsy it at my request. In the OR we discovered that the lump was a swollen lymph node. I didn't even know that there was a lymph node there, but apparently there is. The doctor said he'd send it off to the lab, and the next morning I drove back to VA.

Thursday morning the 6th of July, at 10:13 AM, I received a phone call from my doctor. My initial thought was, "Crap, I'm late for work." It's sort of funny, looking back at it. If I had been properly awake, his hesitation would've tipped me off that something big was up. As it was, the realization didn't strike me until the second time that he said "lymphoma." He actually never used the word "cancer" while describing the situation to me. I'm not entirely sure why, he knows full well that I know that lymphoma is cancer.

The next few days were a whirlwind. Friday my mom and Uncle Bill came down to VA to pick me up, insisting that I was in no emotional state to be driving. To be perfectly honest, I think I'm handling it a touch better than she is. Saturday they drove me back. Sunday was spent visiting extended family, who mostly already knew through my mom. I don't know how I would've taken it if I had to tell each of them. I honestly hate having people worry about me. That's the hardest part of this whole thing, for me. There are so many people that want to help, but to me it's just a series of doctor visits to beat a nasty bug.

Monday morning was a full-body CAT scan. To start with, they had me drink a 2 liter barium milkshake, which tastes about like chalk-and-berry flavored runny yogurt. I insisted that the only way to salvage that heinous beverage would be 6 ounces of vodka, but the nurse wouldn't hear anything of it. During the scan they also give an IV radiopaque dye which causes a full-body flush and the sensation that you're going to wet yourself. Fun! The scan came up negative in all areas, which is pretty much awesome. That means that it hasn't started spreading to my internal lymph nodes.

Tuesday afternoon I visited with Dr. Rubins, the oncologist. My mom and my aunt were along. It makes them feel better to be there. A nurse did the preliminary check of my lymph nodes with me up on the exam table, and asked me to stay up there while we waited so the doctor could do his exam as soon as he came in. While laying on the exam table, I had a stroke of genius. "Mom, when the doctor comes in, pretend to be crying. I'll lay here on the table with my eyes closed. Titi, you say 'It progressed really quickly,' and look down." Well, it was a great plan, but when he came in we were all laughing about it and we never got to do it. All he could say was "We don't know much about it, it's a very unusual case." That's bad, since it's harder to predict how best to treat it, but there's a bright side: I could end up with a cancer named after me!

Wednesday was the most painful of my various tests thus far. Dr. Rubins took a bone marrow sample, which I mentioned earlier. The procedure was done under local anesthetic only, which is certainly not enough. He made a small incision in the back of my pelvis and stuck a needle in, drawing out what looked like blood. I can only describe the feeling as the physical embodiment of the pain of lost love. My essence is drawn out, leaving a painful empty feeling inside that it seems a thousand lifetimes couldn't heal. Oh god, now I sound emo. Anyways, it felt mostly better after about half an hour. The bone marrow sample will tell us whether there is any systemic involvement. The tests that they've finished so far have come back negative, but the final results don't come back until Friday at the earliest.

Yeah, I am kinda scared. I'm not really worrying about it too much. There's nothing I can do about it right now. I'm spending my days telling people, "I have cancer, lol!" and sorta enjoying the reactions I get. I'm more than a touch frustrated about having my life disrupted, missing work, being away from friends, and that whole jazz, but I'm pretty much stuck right now so I can't dwell on it. If anyone wants to come visit, drop me a line. I like people, and I could stand to have some around.

My Back

Wednesday I visited the oncologist and had a marrow sample taken. It is the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. I'm actually looking for a woman who has both given birth and had marrow taken to compare them for me.

I should also note that this is the most unflattering picture of myself that I have ever allowed to be on the internet. To properly show off my bandage, my pants were at the exact level which makes my ass look worst. I may have to show you a better one eventually (if you're lucky).

I'm seeing an oncologist because three weeks ago today, I had a biopsy done on my left elbow (pictures to follow when I'm on a better connection). 7 June 2007 I recieved a call from my doctor informing me that I have lymphoma. I'm going to do a whole writeup of the past few weeks eventually, but right now I'm at Relay for Life trying to build up some karma for the months to come.

I'm doing just fine, and the prognosis is good.

I wasn't able to find an internship with a vet in my area, and not for lack of trying. I sent résumés all over, called everyone, and the one place that offered any hope filled the spot while I was in the middle of trying to set it up. GAH! I did find a place in Indiana which does wildlife rehabilitation, so I'm going out there. Steven has an apartment there starting in June, so I'll stay the summer with him, get a part-time job, and get some animal work experience.

I haven't gotten any letters from colleges yet, so I don't know what my new school colors will be. Anything would be better than black and orange The only way it could get worse is if I go to Virginia Tech (my top choice) and end up with maroon and orange. I'm not worried, but I am a bit annoyed. I do have preparations to make.

My happy place is more of a thing than a place, but bear with me. It's a blue convertible, top down, at night, on a full moon. I'm driving south along the Pacific coast, and it's around 77°F out. The radio is off, there are no console lights, and the moon is so bright that I've turned off my headlights. The road is on a cliff a hundred or so feet above sea level, with another cliff rising on my left. I'm alone. I'm wearing a pair of mesh shorts and sandals, so I can feel the wind. Sometimes I'll just pull over and stare at the reflection of the moon on the ocean.